Desire – my loyal friend and companion
Desire – so light and poetic, slightly melancholic and yet full of passion. Who’s speaking of desire seems like they’ve seen everything there is in life – lived a hundred lives – a traveler that’s home to nowhere with endless stories to tell. Who’s speaking of desire has friends everywhere and eats the most exotic meals, has tanned skin and salt in their hair. Who’s speaking of desire sits in a rocking chair on the veranda and sparks the flame of wanderlust in the innocent hearts of their countless grandchildren.

But I have desire.

I got taken aback by the coldness of reality. Germany – the land of poets and thinkers, and nobody seemed to find a better word for this feeling? Sehnsucht. The literal addiction of longing. An addiction? And I have this Sehnsucht. The desire – but nothing about it is light and poetic. I dream of living a hundred lives, yet I don’t make the most of the one I already have. It feels like walking on the spot. The years pass by and although you stumble restlessly around, you don’t seem to have moved, to have changed. Everything is pushed to “later”.

“Well this? This is just a temporary job. Well, actually it’s not the best major to study one could wish for, but it’s only for three years.” And suddenly you notice how you’re suffering through it, being expected to bring your best but only giving the average. We let the years walk by, yet we want to see us march. Confident and with a straight step towards DREAM.

But isn’t the way the goal? And any way we walk it its highest quality? Is our way less valuable if we stumble or stand still, without regret to have missed something, just to watch the flowers at the corner of the sidewalk? Are we actually capable of enjoying one thing, without the fear of missing out on the other? Though we chase the feeling of “perhaps missing out on something”? Are we taken aback by being overwhelmed? That the Better and Prettier of others are constantly standing against our own happiness? Fact is, that the own life with its hard but beautiful sides doesn’t stand a chance against the instgramfilters.
Nowadays, you don’t actively have to look for a partner and you’re excited about any capture – and if one can swipe right from the couch, being kilometers away – one might as well stay seated. Taking mean screenshots of stupid pick-up lines, but not having the courage to talk to that sweet guy on the tram. Is it the subconscious that tells us that there could always be something else around the corner? And when paths cross you’re hesitant because there could also be something better. And who the heck tells me what “the better” is? Because I have this desire anywhere, at any time. Sure, I’m comfortable here, but what if I could feel even more at home somewhere else? And where is this somewhere? Where is the grass greener, and can I catch a glimpse on it from the couch, if only to see if it’s worth getting up and on the way?

I thrive on this desire, every wind blow moans into my ear that I “should do something of my life – do something meaningful – that makes you happy as well”.

This desire is chasing, faster and faster. It robs my sleep and poisons my mind. It’s a deceptive companion, shoving that inner watch in your face whilst taking valuable time from you. I run, I haste and yet- yet I have the feeling of standing still. Of waiting.
So while my inner self is running for its life, chasing the sense of life. I’m waiting. For something better to come around. But please tell me the secret of how this is supposed to work? One running around, headless and the other waiting naively.

And now I understand. Desire is an addiction, it poisons the heart and fogs the mind, if we taste too much of it. Yet it pushes me. It is a welcomed friend, to share laughter and tears with, to get advice from, even if wrapped a little harshly. Advice that I tend to understand when it’s too late, yet right on time. It’s a compass that can only lead you if you know your aim, though this won’t be the North for most of us. And even if I wished for this friend to leave, to stop pressuring me and to stop laying on my chest. I am happy every time she takes my hand and shows me that desire is worth it. It’s worth it to follow her because – even if it’s not always easy to stand still, to put your luck into other’s hands and wait for something better – it gets you closer to your goal.

I have a new word for desire – a good, true friend. A piece of me that only wants the best. That pushes me, not chasing me, though I need to understand this more.

I hug you, my loyal friend and companion.

Imagine you meet someone, who’s just like you. Who’s just a little bit like you.
But completely different.
Who’s just the way you always wanted to be, but acts and feels the same way you do.
Imagine you describeing this someone and painting him with your thoughts and heart.
And imagine, you meet this human.
The moment you talk about this someone, he enters your life. Unexpected.

It feels like dancing. Like an optical illusion, that you feel and don’t see.
Together you defy the laws of physics and time. And it feels like flying, without the fear of hitting the ground.
Because nothing seems to scare you anymore and still you fear everything.
Every place turns into a „home“, just because you are together.
And even when you are separated, your thoughts open a way back to togetherness.

Imagine, you meet someone, with whom this earth’s rotational axis feels a little less sloping.
And let’s stay with physics, that feels so good and petty at the same time.
Someone, who gifts you energy and doesn’t steal it.
Someone, who makes you feel brave and inspires you, the wind beneath your wings.
Someone who shows you, that it’s quiet okay to be „yourself“, even more – shows you that this „yourself“ is kinda pretty.
Someone who laughs hearty and cries with you.
Who likes you apparently. For who you are.
With more flaws than infallibility.
Imagine you meet someone, who understands you, without saying a word.
Someone, by whom you feel secure.
One single, timeless ecstasy and the feeling, that everything is possible, but the best thing is to do nothing and to just enjoy the here and now – together.
Imagine, you meet someone, whose hand you want to hold and run through darkness.
Two heads filled with nonsense.
And two hearts in one universe. Different and yet the same.

Imagine you meet someone, who does you the world of good.
Someone, you want to tell, how much you missed them in your life, even during a time, you didn’t know each other. And still – there are no words strong and no moment beautiful enough, to express this feeling of pure love.
To express that you doubt to ever meet someone like this someone again.
Nobody will be like this someone.
Nobody, who’s comparable.
Comparable attractive, comparable creative, comparable inspiring, comparable relieving.
A revolution in your heart and head and still it’s pure harmony.
Always a bit happier with – always a bit more lost without.
This someone. Without whom you don’t want to be.

Imagine, you meet someone.
You meet this someone.

And now imagine, this someone isn’t yet ready for it.
Not yet ready for
You.

*But this time I will follow this someone, his way will become mine and when he turns around, I will be there.
I will never leave you walk your path alone and carry you on winding parts.